For many gamers today, it’s not enough to beat a game — the game is only truly conquered once you’ve earned as many achievements as possible. But not all achievements are created equal. For every "beat the game on Expert mode" or "took no damage at all," there’s a trophy that will heap nothing but embarrassment on any player unfortunate enough to "earn" it. Here are some of the most humiliating achievements you’d probably rather delete than actually show any of your friends.
Metal Gear Solid 2 HD – Snake Beater
The Metal Gear Solid series has always snuck cheeky humor into its otherwise-heavy military/sci-fi storyline, but the "Snake Beater" achievement from Metal Gear Solid 2 HD might be the cheekiest of all. It’s certainly not one you’d brag about to your mom.
To unlock this skeevy little trophy, open up lockers until you find one with a poster of a scantily-clad woman hanging on the door. Get into first-person mode and then just stare at the poster for awhile. Be sure to focus on what’s below the neck, and you’ll soon find out why. After about ten seconds or so, call Otacon and enjoy his immediate revulsion.
"What do you think you’re doing, Snake?" he asks, as if Snake’s facial expression doesn’t immediately give it away. "You don’t have enough to keep you busy? Try to remember the mission, if you can," Otacon continues. And now you know why they call it "Snake Beater."
This immature little achievement is proof to all that even when international safety is at stake, and nuclear war could break out at any time, Solid Snake still needs a little me-time every now and again.
Command and Conquer 3 – Welcome to 2047
If not for buttons, video games as we know them wouldn’t exist. Even still, that doesn’t mean we enjoy the pressing of buttons for their own sake. But if you unlock Command and Conquer 3‘s "Welcome to 2047" achievement, you literally did just that.
If you really want this trophy, you simply have to press the A button. 2047 times. In a row. It’s not a "throughout the entire game" thing — you literally have to sit there and mash a single button more times than the AD era has years. If you’re wondering why 2047, it’s because that’s the year Command and Conquer 3 is set in.
So it could be worse — the game could’ve taken place in the year 150,000.
According to True Achievements, it should take roughly 15 minutes of repeatedly pressing A to earn this achievement, even though you can probably think of countless more interesting ways to spend 15 minutes. The best way to earn this one is if a friend owes you a favor, and you make them press A for you while you just eat pizza.
Guitar Hero II – Long Road Ahead
Many songs in Guitar Hero are super-challenging, which is why the game blessed us with Easy Mode. When you’re playing on Easy, it’s actually close-to-impossible to fail a song. Maybe you won’t ace it, but flunking it means you either didn’t try at all, or you truly are the worst Guitar Hero player of all time.
Whoever designed the game’s achievements appears to have erred towards the latter, with the "Long Road Ahead" trophy awarded to anyone who fails a song on Easy Mode. As if the virtual crowd booing and jeering you wasn’t enough, now you get actual proof — that other people can see — that you never should’ve picked up a video game guitar. Chances seem good a real guitar would just make you explode.
Dead Rising 2: Off the Record – Adult Content
Being a zombie game, you’d forgive Dead Rising 2: Off The Record if its achievements lacked in goofy fun. Zombies are serious, brain-eating business, after all. But with the "Adult Content" achievement, you’re getting a hefty dose of humor in between zombie deaths. But let’s just say it’s not the kind of humor you’d want to show your family, or gloat about to your buddies.
To earn this trophy, enter a store called the Uranus Zone — let’s say it doesn’t have that name just because they sell outer space memorabilia. Go to the bar and you’ll find four curiously-shaped objects the game calls "alien probes." You likely call them something else. Take a good close-up picture of all four and you’ll unlock "Adult Content." There: you’ve shown the world that when you play video games, you’re not above carving out a little time to take snapshots of naughty grown-up toys. It could be worse, though. There could be an achievement for using them.
Dead or Alive 4 – 20 Straight Losses in DoA Online
You might think a game in the Dead or Alive series — a franchise famed more for its overtly animated bouncing ladies than anything else — would have an embarrassing achievement based around bosoms. On the contrary, DoA 4 prefers to focus its booby-prize trophies on you being an absolutely awful player.
To get "20 Straight Losses in DoA Online," you have to do exactly that. You must go online, fight 20 matches, and lose every last one of them. It’s hard to emphasize just how difficult that is. Most everyone, given 20 chances to win a match in a fighting game, will emerge victorious at least once. To go 0-for-20, you likely would need to stand still, and have 20 different opponents — many of whom don’t know you from any other anonymous player — figure out what you’re doing and play along. And once that happens, you get the honor of owning a trophy whose title doesn’t even bother to mask the almost impressive anti-feat you just pulled off.
Lollipop Chainsaw – I Swear! I Did It By Mistake!
Lollipop Chainsaw is about as family-friendly as you’d expect a game starring a scantily-clad cheerleader wielding a chainsaw would be. But for the most part it’s a straight-ahead game, with straight-ahead achievements. That is, except for the oddly-named "I Swear! I Did It By Mistake!" achievement, whose owners almost certainly did not do it by mistake.
This is actually the first trophy you can unlock, meaning if you have it, you purchased the game with one thing in mind. That’s because to earn "I Swear," you need to position the camera below your cheerleader character, and then look up and take a gander at what lies underneath. You basically turn the camera into a shoe mirror, and we’re not going to show that footage here. Find it yourself if you must, or you can bypass this "achievement" altogether and appreciate the game for what it’s really about: a cartoonish overabundance of violence, blood, and gore.
Lord of the Rings: The Battle for Middle-earth II – Try a Tutorial
When you’ve reached a certain level of expertise in your game, it becomes difficult to lose to anyone at a lower level than you. It’s almost impossible to lose to someone almost two dozen levels weaker than you, but if you can manage just that in Lord of the Rings: Battle for Middle-earth II, the game’s "Try a Tutorial" achievement will immortalize your dubious achievement for all to see.
When Middle-earth was active, EA maintained an online leaderboard that ranked all their players (though according to True Achievements, EA does not update this board anymore). The higher you were ranked, the better a player you were–in theory anyway. If somebody managed to lose a match to someone at least 20 spaces lower than them, they earned "Try a Tutorial," which was basically the game telling the player they don’t deserve to be ranked as high as they were. On the other hand, the player who just beat someone ranked 20 or more spaces above them also earned an achievement, called "The Hobbit and the Troll." That’s a far more impressive trophy to display, as it’s basically the online gaming equivalent of Smeagol beating the crap out of Sauron.
Family Guy: Back to the Multiverse – Pervert
It’d almost be a disappointment if a Family Guy video game didn’t have any embarrassing achievements for your weird collecting pleasure. But the "Pervert" trophy is double-sketchy, both for how you get it and what you’re rewarded with afterwards.
To be labelled a digital perv, enter the hotel in the "No Cheese, Please" level and wander the rooms until you find Quagmire. He’s chained to a bed wearing a diaper and baby bonnet, y’know, like Quagmire does. Once you find him, as much as you may want to leave ASAP, stay in the room for 30 seconds. Doing so will net you the "Pervert" achievement. And since you just spent time staring at a middle-aged man dressed like a baby, you’ve pretty much earned it.
But the game’s not done humiliating you. Like every other trophy in gaming, "Pervert" comes with an avatar. In this case, it’s Herbert, the creepy old man with a cringey crush on Chris Griffin. You now get to stare at his mug each time you check your trophies, which might be enough to make you use your muscly throwing arms to chuck your system in the trash, rather than risk anybody seeing what you’ve done.
Fable 2 – Menace to Society
Fable 2 isn’t a comedy game, but one of the achievements, Menace to Society, seems like it was designed for uneasy laughs, especially considering what happens at the end.
To become a menace, you need to earn or buy an ability called "Vulgar Thrust," which is exactly what you’d imagine. Once you have it, remove all your clothes and start running around a busy area. Run up to whomever you like and select the Vulgar Thrust ability to, well, vulgarly thrust at them. Some may not react, others might react positively and give you a reward, but some won’t like it at all. If you thrust at someone who hates it and is offended by you, they’ll report you to the authorities. At that point, you’ll be punished exactly how you’d expect a fantasy video game to punish a player for multiple acts of public sexual harassment: they fine you ten gold pieces.
Once you pay that wallet-busting penalty, you can add "Menace to Society" to your trophy collection. You will then spend the rest of your life not mentioning that trophy to anyone, least of all your priest.
Secret Service – The Exact Opposite of Your Job
Secret Service is a game about — get this — the Secret Service. There’s a coup against the president and it’s your job, as an elite agent, to put a stop to it. Or, if you’re really into terrible video game achievements, you can aid the coup and completely throw the country off-balance.
At the end of the final stage, the new president, who was the vice-president until his boss died from gunshot wounds earlier in the day, is being held hostage in an airplane. It’s your job to kill the guy holding him hostage — in other words, you must be a bad enough dude to rescue the president. Or, you could kill him. Yep, this game lets you shoot the President of the United States, the one guy in the game you most definitely aren’t supposed to shoot. That earns you "The Exact Opposite of your Job" achievement, which, presumably, sets up an off-camera ending where the violent coup works and the entire US government is overthrown. Nice going, Agent Wilkes Booth.
Elder Scrolls Online – Slaughtered
The aquatic carnivores colloquially known as Slaughterfish have appeared in every Elder Scrolls game since The Elder Scrolls 2: Daggerfall, but it wasn’t until their deadly iteration in Elder Scrolls Online in 2014 that they seemingly lived up to their name. These sharp-toothed, sea-dwelling marauders have become so deadly, in fact, that they’ve earned a special place amongst ESO‘s more trollish achievements.
"Slaughtered" is the kind of achievement that takes players by surprise simply by exploiting the comfort zone of their history with previous games in the Elder Scrolls series. If the sight of your avatar getting viciously mauled by seafood isn’t enough to scar you, this five-point cheevo will serve as proper inspiration to never leave shallow waters without adequate protection again. But, once the notifications have cleared and the dopamine from earning those meager five points fades, all you’re left with is a candid (and arguably embarrassing) memento of your brief and belittling time at sea. Nothing says "adventure" like being eaten alive by one of the lowest creatures on the food chain.
NBA Ballers: Chosen One – Loser
NBA Ballers: Chosen One from Midway Games failed to impress critics when it debuted in Spring of 2008. Even with their low scoring, GamePro offered some of the industry’s kinder words, indicating that "the core gameplay is great — the counters are brilliant and the energy stays high — yet it isn’t enough to be chosen as more than a casual distraction." GameSpot was decidedly more savage, arguing that "there’s no reason to pick this one up, regardless of how bad you need a basketball fix — there are plenty of cheaper, better options available." To make things worse, one of Chosen One‘s achievements actually kicks fans of this lackluster roundball title when they’re down.
The zero-point "Loser" achievement requires you to lose five consecutive Ranked Matches. It’s that simple: just lose five online ranked matches in a row. But maybe Eurogamer‘s unrestrained analysis of Chosen One will put a smile on your sullen and defeated face: "It’s not NBA Live, it’s not NBA Street, and it’s not NBA 2K. And playing Chosen One you’ll be reminded of this every couple of minutes." Food for thought: is it better or worse to be labeled a loser by one of the worst basketball titles in video game history? Only time — and your gamercard — will tell.
The Simpsons Game – Pwnd
Depending on who you ask, simply playing The Simpsons Game from EA Redwood Shores is a potential embarrassment, let alone earning its least noble of achievements. This licensed title released by Electronic Arts in 2007 was loosely connected to The Simpsons feature-length film, and is generally regarded as one of the lesser offerings in the long line of adaptations set in Matt Groening & Co.’s mythical Springfield. The AV Club didn’t pull any punches in their critical assessment: "It’s blunt, dumb, ridiculous, and almost never funny. Never mind that this action platformer is buggy, dull, and handles like wet cardboard, or that the faces look like they were drawn on an Etch-A-Sketch. A weak game could pass, if only it had some good laughs."
It turns out, some of those cheap laughs are on us. The achievement affectionately known as "Pwnd" will earn you zero gamerscore points. Its description reads, "Dude, need help? You’ve died, like, 10 times …", and effectively captures the gloriously patronizing tones of Bartholomew JoJo Simpson in one fell swoop. To top it all off, you don’t even need this achievement for 100% completion, so it really is little more than a reminder of your unforgiving time in the Springfield gutter.
Superman Returns – Not That Super
The name of this achievement from 2006’s Superman Returns doesn’t mince words; and its description adds prideful insult to playful injury. The only way to have earned "Not That Super" in this licensed release from Electronic Arts is if you’ve "entered a cheat code in a desperate plea for help." For a moment, we’re reminded of Daily Planet editor-in-chief Perry White’s lines from the film: "Pulitzer Prizes are like Academy Awards: nobody remembers what you got one for, just that you got one." Too bad for us, video game achievements and trophies are a different story.
Intrepid (and shameless) players can utilize a variety of cheat codes in Superman Returns after the early-game Gladiator Battle, including a swift unlock of all moves, costumes, trophies, and theater items along with infinite health and/or infinite stamina. And — although you can earn other achievements with cheat codes active — the zero-point "Not That Super" is guaranteed to stain your gamercard until Xbox Live sunsets into antiquity. In the words of Mark Twain, "It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them."
NHL 2K7/2K8 – Quitter!
This zero-point achievement from NHL 2K7 was so wonderfully shameful, it made its way into NHL 2K8 from 2K Sports a year later. As far as achievements and trophies go, "Quitter!" is about as straightforward as they come. To unlock this brazen display of ineptitude, antagonism, and/or cowardice in either title, you’ll only need to "quit ten games online." Of course, an environment like Xbox Live in the late 2000s wasn’t exactly a bastion of sportsmanship and compassion. Quitting a sports game (or any competitive multiplayer, for that matter) before match completion was — and remains — a shortcut to negative feedback.
Negligence of the Xbox Live reputation system still haunts some players to this day. If you’re not careful, you’ll earn the embarrassing label of "Avoid Me", whereupon "to prevent further abuse, [you’ll] most likely be matched with other low-reputation players." Forget about hiding this achievement from your friends; chances are you won’t be making many. Just remember: while you’re out hunting one of the most annoying cheevos in Xbox history, Microsoft’s "goal is to match you with other gamers you’ll enjoy, and create the best gaming community online." And nobody likes a quitter.
Asura’s Wrath – View of the Valley
Despite its relatively short play time, Asura’s Wrath from CyberConnect2 and Capcom was a critical hit when it reached consoles worldwide in 2012. IGN called the non-traditional, cinematic beat-em-up "an attempt at a new kind of interactive entertainment, one much closer to living, breathing anime than traditional action game." In a similar fashion, Kotaku positively maintains that "everything about Asura’s Wrath is ridiculous." Asura’s Wrath was indeed a unique offering to the action brawler space, but that didn’t stop the developers from injecting some time-honored anime tropes of sordid sexuality into the game’s lighter moments.
The "View of the Valley" achievement, for instance, feels like it’s straight from the more playful (if sexually perverse) panels of Kentaro Miura’s Berserk. This ribald 15-point achievement is obtained after you "give in to your male instincts" during the hot spring scene in Episode 10. The PlayStation equivalent is more forthcoming in its description, indicating that you simply need to "continue to stare at the hot spring attendant’s assets" to unlock the bawdy bronze trophy. But, then again, as Capcom’s Kazuhiro Tsuchiya told Complex: "The most satisfying thing is to hear when a user says that [his] game was fun." Maybe it is fun to be a bit crude sometimes; and maybe the loss of a little self-respect is worth a mediocre boost to your gamerscore. Just make sure no one else is looking!
Duke Nukem Forever – Turd Burglar
Duke Nukem Forever from 2K Games, Gearbox Software et al. — plagued by a neverending development cycle over the course of multiple console generations — was seemingly destined to fail. When the long-awaited title was finally released in 2011, IGN suggested that "Duke is one of the elder heroes of gaming, and could say whatever he wanted with legitimacy if there was a first-class shooter experience backing him up," but ultimately described it as "a muddled, hypocritical exercise in irritation." Part of that exercise routine includes the ten-point "Turd Burglar" achievement, which necessitates you "find and steal a piece of poo."
You can locate the poo in question during the game’s first chapter, "Duke Lives." In fact, the game opens with a first-person shot of Duke relieving himself at a locker room urinal. A quick investigation to your right will reveal the presence of a healthy turd in one of the locker room toilets. Just press "X" to pick it up, prepare to toss, and voila! You’ve netted another ten gamerscore points and a lasting tribute to your vulgar washroom escapades. And hey — if claiming a trophy for hurling fecal matter at the wall is your idea of a good time, by all means, hurl away. But make no mistake: your turd burgling antics are gonna earn you a stinky reputation.
Guitar Hero 3: Legends of Rock – Tail Between Your Legs
For all the weekend warriors and would-be rockers out there, this zero-point achievement from Guitar Hero 3: Legends of Rock is here to remind you what it means to be a nobody. "Tail Between Your Legs" won’t increase your gamerscore, but it will embarrassingly prove to everyone on your friends list exactly how eager you are to quit. This trophy is a certifiable ball buster, and requires you to refuse a boss battle; easy to do, but hard to live down.
As you shred your way through Guitar Hero 3‘s career mode, you’ll have three (count ’em, three) chances to earn this epic shamer when you encounter the game’s iconic bosses. But — unlike the antagonists of other video games — you could actually run into (most of) the baddies of Guitar Hero 3 in real life. The boss battles in question involve dexterous guitar duels with rock masters like Tom Morello on the 2nd Tier, Slash on 5th Tier, and the Devil himself during the campaign’s diabolical finale. Sure, earning this one is easy. But if you’re not ready to prove yourself on the stage next to these titular legends, this particularly inglorious achievement will serve as an enduring tribute to your own lack of skill — or (perhaps worse) lack of shame.
Deadly Premonition – Game Completed on Hard!
Deadly Premonition is a game with a curious reputation. And while completing this survival horror title from Japanese developer Access Games on Hard difficulty seems like a relatively straightforward achievement to claim, those in-the-know understand the true shame behind the measly 200 gamerscore points it offers ambitious players.
IGN‘s Erik Brudvig absolutely skewered Deadly Premonition when it was originally released in February 2010, claiming that "Deadly Premonition is the definition of a system seller. Once you play it, you’ll want to go sell your system. That may seem like a harsh statement, but it’s been a long time since I’ve played any boxed retail game on any system that feels this amateurish." His verdict: Deadly Premonition is "awful in nearly every way." Deadly Premonition presented such a slipshod experience that a Director’s Cut edition was released by developer ToyBox Inc. in 2013 — during the same console generation. In fact, the original difficulty calibrations on Deadly Premonition were so unbalanced, they were entirely removed for the Director’s Cut.
Let’s face it: playing through this game on any mode seems like a waste of a serious gamer’s time; completing it on the hardest (read: jankiest) difficulty setting is a downright embarrassment. To add insult to injury, the difficulty-based achievements in Deadly Premonition don’t stack. Xbox Achievements user PoorSmeagol’s comment says it all: "I actually kinda liked the game for its quirkiness, but there’s no way I’m playing through it 3 times!
Senran Kagura Shinovi Versus – The First Prize
The Senran Kagura series from Tokyo-based publisher Marvelous follows the adventures of a group of young ninja schoolgirls and impudently presents an overtly sexualized depiction of these underage female characters. The third installment in this beat-em-up series — Senran Kagura Shinovi Versus — was released for the PlayStation Vita in 2014 and dutifully follows in the lewd footsteps of its predecessor, Senran Kagura Burst. Shinovi Versus has a long list of trophies, from clearing all missions of the various characters’ stories to stripping your enemy completely naked. That’s right: one of the game’s core mechanics involves these young ninja women systematically tearing the clothes off each other in brutal combat.
More than one of these trophies could easily earn its way onto our list of embarrassing game achievements, but one in particular takes the cake when it comes to shameful moments in gamer history. To have unlocked "The First Prize" aka "The First Prayer Answered," you must have "won your first panties in panty lottery." We could explain what a "panty lottery" is, but (quite frankly) the phrase speaks for itself.
Fable 2 – The Paramour
"The Paramour" is yet another achievement in the Fable franchise’s storied lineage of cheeky trophies. But, unlike many of Fable 2‘s playful accolades, this achievement is arguably more salacious than most. In case you missed it, Fable 2 is the 2008 award-winning followup to Microsoft’s acclaimed action adventure RPG from Lionhead Studios. GameSpot described Fable 2‘s Albion as "a meticulously crafted world that demands exploration, makes you laugh out loud, and urges you to experience all the incredible details waiting to be discovered." And be they heroic or villainous, your actions actually physically shape the character you play in both dramatic and wondrous ways. Some actions, however, are more heroic than others; and some battles aren’t really worth boasting about. Point in case: "The Paramour." Netting a paltry ten gamerscore points, this excessively sex-positive achievement requires you to "make love 25 times, or see another Hero do so." Who needs to save the world when you can be Bowerstone’s most notorious Peeping Tom?
Fable mastermind Peter Molyneaux himself even criticised this aspect of the game: "A great example of [huge design flaws in Fable 2] was getting married. It didn’t mean anything, it didn’t add anything to the game, it was just an excuse to have sex … That was a huge problem." And though many of us enjoyed Fable 2 and its distinct brand of sophomoric humor, the truth hurts — unless you’re willing to live down the lasciviousness of your deeds, some achievements are simply better left unearned.
F.E.A.R. First Encounter Assault Recon – Afraid
F.E.A.R. First Encounter Assault Recon from Monolith Productions & co. was released for Windows, Xbox 360, and PlayStation 3 in the autumn of 2005. With its balance of single-player suspense and multiplayer mayhem, this first-person survival horror shooter broke some relatively new ground when it hit streets during the early days of the 360’s rather vigorous life cycle. GamePro lavished high praises upon F.E.A.R. with the assertion that as "both a technical and narrative masterpiece, F.E.A.R. combines elements of science fiction and horror with a beautiful aesthetic presentation and incredible enemy A.I." PC Gamer went further to say that "as a shooter, F.E.A.R. succeeds admirably. It’s the first game to convincingly channel the kinetic exhilaration of ‘John Woo violence’ in the FPS format." It’s only appropriate, then, for a game that celebrates the FPS genre so passionately in its design to take creative steps to impishly shame its players.
"Afraid" is a zero-point achievement in F.E.A.R. that requires you to finish a multiplayer game with a negative score. Earning this achievement, therefore, becomes the result of a distinct lack of player skill or the deliberate act of death by suicide — neither of which is something to write home about. And, ultimately, this is another one of those achievements that doesn’t actually increase your score.
Nekopara Vol. 1-3 – That something that shakes…
"What’s Nekopara? Why, it’s a cat paradise!" So begins the official description of the first installment in this sexually suggestive visual novel series from Japanese developer NEKO WORKs and publisher Sekai Project. Over the course of three main volumes and two additional releases, Nekopara tells the story of Kashou Minaduki, son of a long line of Japanese confection makers who has opened his own patisserie, La Soleil. After moving out on his own, our hero discovers that the family’s two scantily-clad catgirls, Chocola and Vanilla, have hidden themselves among his things. At their fawning, servile request, Minaduki allows the catgirls to stay and help him run the business. Hilarity ensues!
Each volume of Nekopara furthers the unwholesome tale of the Minaduki family and features the same brand of bestial kawaii kink. Volumes 1-3 share one rather shameless achievement — "That something that shakes…" — which overtly embraces the playfully perverse aesthetics of the series. To earn this one, you’ll need to press "P" or drag the game window during gameplay to shake the catgirls’ breasts. The description simply reads "Bouncy, bouncy~," but the Mature Content Description on the game’s Steam listing says it all. "Breast jiggle toggle" isn’t a feature we expect to see in a game, but it’s apparently one the developers themselves consider to be an essential part of the mature Nekopara experience.
Gal*Gun: Double Peace – Pilferer of Panties
Gal*Gun: Double Peace is an anime-styled rail-shooter from PQube Limited that challenges players to "fend off the advancing girls" with their targeting cursor. Perhaps unsurprisingly, it features a non-stop parade of upskirt camera angles and overt sexual innuendo. Believe it or not, there’s actually a story: "When Houdai is shot by cupid angel Ekoro, he becomes immensely popular and suddenly every girl at the academy becomes hot for him. But being irresistible is hardly a dream come true! Every love letter, shout of adulation, and advancing kisses [sic] drains his energy!" The game’s branching narrative offers the player choices that will shape the story throughout the game, and completing the story mode allows you to successfully "confess your feelings to the girl of your dreams."
These diegetic complexities are arguably undermined, however, by Gal*Gun‘s tawdry gameplay and salacious visuals. And the game’s achievements don’t save much face — "Pilferer of Panties" probably takes the cake as the smuttiest of the bunch. To earn it, you’ll have to "collect all of the panties from the changing room." As you move through a level, zoom into all possible lockers to find all the panties and voila — you’ve earned an everlasting badge of dishonor for your humiliating deeds.
Titty Crush – Its ok to stare
When it comes to tile-match puzzle games, we’d like to think we’ve come a long way since the early days of Tetris and Microsoft Mahjong. But then a game like Titty Crush comes along and reminds us that sophisticated gameplay and respectable aesthetics are both timeless and hard-earned (considering neither is anywhere to be found in Titty Crush). Fortunately for all of us, this Match 3 puzzler from developer/publisher Milk Shake (we see what you did there) doesn’t take itself too seriously. The presentation is straightforward: "Match fruits and break the ice to meet new girls and set highscores." Looks harmless enough at first glance, but had to thoroughly cringe after spotting the "can be played with one hand" feature as lauded in the game’s official description.
Let’s face it: any achievement from the staggeringly simple but lovingly titled Titty Crush would be a stain on your record. We picked "Its ok to stare" [sic] because it’s the most shameless name from its sordid list of shameful achievements.
Highway Blossoms: Remastered – Lenny
Highway Blossoms is a visual novel from Sekai Project that tells the story of Amber, "a girl trying her best to be alone on the road" despite meeting a young hitchhiker and making the inspiring discovery of an old prospector’s journal. The official description of the Remastered version of the game from indie developer AlienWorks calls it the "definitive romance treasure hunt road trip experience," but that doesn’t prevent Highway Blossoms from embracing the risqué tropes that made its publisher famous.
The "Lenny" achievement requires installation of the game’s adult patch and potential text adjustment of the "lenny" file name in the game folder. With a full nod to its memetic origins, the description of this sleazy cheevo reads, "( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) You know what you did" (emoji and all), and is a surefire method of permanently exhibiting a player’s more unsavory appetites. Installation of the Highway Blossoms adult patch requires you to visit the developer’s website to procure the file from a stripped-down host server (pun intended), which presents its own veneer of awkwardness.
Per developer Josh (Raithfyre), you "open your game folder to where you installed the adult patch and find the document called lenny.rpy. Open that in a text editor like notepad and change ‘persistent.lenny = false’ to ‘persistent.lenny = true’." Josh indicated that "the patch is supposed to do that by default, but we’ve had reports of it not working for some users." Where there’s a vulgar will, there’s a way.
Chroma Deluxe : Sexy Hentai Girls – Unlock the character (1-48)
The sex-positive publishers of this casual puzzle title ask: "Are you an Hentai or Ecchi fan? Do you like beauties? Are you also a mind games fan and nothing pleases you as much as mixing reflexion and pleasure? If your answer is yes, Chroma Deluxe : Sexy Hentai Girls is the perfect game for you." This self-described "hot brain game" is an exercise in voyeurism of a particularly vulgar variety, and essentially presents players with pornography disguised as a puzzle game.
Each of the lascivious achievements on this list are practically the same: "unlock the character" X. Each time you finish a level you will unlock a new image, eventually leading to the acquisition of new objects of fetishistic desire. Developer/publisher Playtouch asks, "Are you smart enough to undress all the girls?" Given the fairly rudimentary nature of the puzzles in Chroma Deluxe : Sexy Hentai Girls, we’d wager the answer to that query is yes. The real question is whether or not you’re comfortable with the title of this game showing up on your Steam profile.
Mr. Massagy – Slippery Everywhere
Mr. Massagy is a peculiar little game from independent developer Green Lava Studios, the makers of bizarre titles such as Birdcakes and My Name is Mayo. The point of Mr. Massagy is pretty simple: use your virtual dating skills to earn a massage via the rumble of your gamepad controller. Throughout Mr. Massagy‘s various stages, you’ll "use your Linger app to choose from 9 eligible bachelorettes and get the ultimate reward," the aforementioned massage. Mr. Massagy obviously leans on the stereotypes and tropes of Japanese dating sims, but the game’s sexuality is predominantly tongue-in-cheek. Kotaku‘s Gita Jackson called it "a funny game with lots of double entendre and a parody of Tinder that probably felt more apt when it came out on PC in December of 2016."
All of Mr. Massagy‘s achievements relate to your relative success with the various dates of your Linger excursions. But one of them in particular is both a clever callback and a stomach-turning addition to our list of embarrassing cheevos: "Slippery Everywhere" requires you to reach the game’s amorous pinnacle with a jar of mayo, rather than one of the game’s scantily clad female characters. If virtual heavy petting with a tub of mayonnaise manages to turn you on, then Mr. Massagy is the game you never knew you’ve been looking for.