Netflix has somehow cracked open the barrier that separates our world from some sort of Lovecraftian cosmic nightmare universe and turned what spilled out into a dating show. Sexy Beasts is a reality series that features contestants going on blind dates. But these singles are going to have their work cut out for them, because they’re all wearing terrifying, elaborate makeup and prosthetics that turns them into animals, and bugs, and the devil, and also a scarecrow? I think? It’s all rather alarming.
Watch the Sexy Beasts trailer below and then consider repenting for whatever sins caused this.
Sexy Beasts Trailer
I don’t subscribe to the belief that we’re stuck in a nightmarish collapsing simulation, but every now and then, something comes along to make me reconsider that. The latest source of my existential dread is Sexy Beasts, a Netflix show that looks like it was made for furries and/or demons escaped from the deepest pit of hell.
Sexy Beasts is described as “a dating show that takes looks completely out of the equation using fantastical, cutting edge prosthetics to transform the daters – giving them a chance to find love purely based on personality!” And oddly enough, this isn’t entirely new. It’s actually a reboot of a show that aired in the UK in 2014. And that show was already rebooted once in America in 2015 on A&E. Here’s some footage to prove it.
I’m not sure why anyone thought a show full of castaways from The Island of Dr. Moreau trying to bang each other would be a good idea…but after re-reading what I just wrote, I guess I understand the “why” after all. That doesn’t mean I have to like it, though. But hey, I get it: we have strayed from god’s light, and our punishment is to suffer the eldritch horrors of Sexy Beasts. Let’s take a look at some of the nightmarish crew you’ll encounter on this ship of the damned!
Relaxed Panda Woman
The Relaxed Panda Woman is the first of the Sexy Beast roster that we see, and she seems to be the most nonchalant of everyone here. She’s casually chatting about health insurance and doesn’t seem the least bit alarmed that she has a giant panda head. Things will only get weirder/worse from here.
Hades From Disney’s Hercules?
I honestly have no idea who this is supposed to be. The confusing thing about this show (well, one of the confusing things) is that despite the title, not everyone here is decked out like an animal. While the majority of folks appear to be animal-influenced, there are a few outliers. Like this person, who seems to be dressed like James Woods’ Hades from Disney’s Hercules.
See, this is what I’m talking about – why is one of the contestants a scarecrow? Is a scarecrow a “beast”? I suppose a scarecrow can be a monster in a horror movie, but this one seems like a stretch, Sexy Beasts. The ripped stitch mouth just makes the whole thing all the more disturbing. Once, this scarecrow man had his mouth sealed shut, and then he ripped the stitches free. Perhaps to chant a summoning spell in some unspeakable tongue.
Oh okay, we’re just going to throw the goddamn devil into this too. Sure, why not? After all, this show was clearly created by the devil’s minions. I do wonder if the contestants get to pick their look. Like, did this lady come in one day and say, “Can you make me into the devil instead of an aardvark?” And the makeup team shrugged and said, “Sure, why not? We’re all out of our fucking minds anyway.”
This one might be my favorite. A very bored-looking fox. Or wolf, maybe. Some sort of canine, at least. And whoever or whatever this figure is, they’re not feeling it. But they also don’t look disturbed, either. They simply seem to be saying, “This is my life now. This is what it’s come to.”
I save the best/worst for last. There are a lot of ghoulish designs to be seen in this trailer, but this dolphin – with the blowhole in the center of the forehead like a third eye – is truly something to behold. There are more beasts to see in this trailer, but I’m afraid if I post any more I may go completely mad. My hair has already turned completely white and my eyes are bleeding, so I think I’m going to call it a day.
Sexy Beasts arrives on Netflix on July 21. Say your prayers.
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