Let’s be real: No one watches "Twilight" for the award-winning dialogue. When you sit down to binge the "Twilight" movies, you’re probably either playing a drinking game, reliving your nostalgic teenage years, you’re currently a teenager, or you just went through a breakup. And hey, we don’t judge. Who hasn’t put on Bella and Edward’s classic dance song "Flightless Bird, American Mouth" and cried for hours? We get it. But at the end of the day, no one can argue that the "Twilight" series scripts are less-than-stellar.
Beyond the problematic message that your life is expendable outside of a relationship, some of the lines in "Twilight" are just … bizarre. Meaning, no one in the history of ever, vampires included, would get caught dead (or undead) uttering some of these uncomfortable phrases. When was the last time you called your significant other a spider monkey or compared them to heroin? Hopefully never — and that includes you, Edward Cullen.
While the "Twilight" series does deserve some credit for getting much less cringey after the first movie, all five films chronicling the often toxic love between a teenaged Bella and her 109-year-old boyfriend Edward have some pretty uncomfortable phrases. So, let’s rewind to 2009 against the rainy backdrop of Forks, Washington, and dive into the dumbest lines the "Twilight" franchise has to offer. You better hold on tight, spider monkey — things are about to get pretty weird.
"You better hold on tight, spider monkey."
You know what’s not sexy? Calling your sort-of girlfriend "spider monkey." In fact, that’s more of a nickname a dad would call his child — which makes sense since Edward is almost a hundred years older than his underaged paramour. Yikes doesn’t even begin to cover it.
Yet despite the nickname coming out of nowhere, never to appear again (thank the vampire gods), when Edward dramatically tries to make Bella afraid of him, he tells her: "You better hold on tight, spider monkey." Then, he whips her out of the 2nd-floor window and through the forest at vamp speeds. The term "be still my heart" isn’t meant to be taken literally, Edward.
However, weird primate nicknames are apparently a Cullen family trait. During family game night, which consists of the vampire family playing baseball during a loud storm, Rosalie affectionately calls her boyfriend Emmett, "My monkey man." Sorry, but why is this Relationship Goals? Who decided that creepy animal pet names were the way to go? Whatever happened to the classics? It’s safe to say that most people would flee the scene if their significant other tried out this nonsensical nickname.
"Money, sex, money, sex, cat."
Apparently, a typical date out with Edward Cullen involves him violating the privacy of everyone in the restaurant by reading their minds. And in the case of this particular establishment, there are only two things on everyone’s mind: money and sex — except for the creepy-looking dude who’s thinking about a cat. We’re not even going to get into what that was all about.
The moment tries to be witty and funny with a pinch of bizarre regarding cat man, but it’s just … weird. Bella doesn’t seem to have an issue with her date reading everyone’s mind. Moreover, she immediately believes that he can. If someone said ‘I can read everyone’s minds but yours’, most people would probably just scoff.
And sure, Bella’s Forks life has been pretty dull up to this point, and it’s reasonable that she’d want some excitement in her life, but to believe someone can read minds without any proof is A Lot. His mind-reading topics are also incredibly basic. The scene is trying to critique human greed and lust, but he needs to give Bella a little more substance from his privacy invasion for it to be even moderately believable.
"You’re like my own personal brand of heroin."
If your boyfriend likens you to hard drugs, it might be time to run. Fast. No healthy relationship, vampire or otherwise, has ever begun with someone addicted to the other person in any capacity. When Edward tries to explain how Bella’s blood smells to him, he tells her that she’s his "personal brand of heroin." Uh, she’s your what now? The audience is supposed to swoon at that, and even worse, many teenagers do when they watch the film or read the book — because the line is taken straight from its pages, and fans were happy to see it included in the movie.
However, when you think about it as an adult, it’s just creepy. Back before being a snack became a cute way to call someone hot, Edward viewed Bella as a literal snack. He’s horribly cruel to her, even blaming her for how hard it is for him to be around her because her blood smells oh so good. Is that supposed to be romantic? All we can see now is a 109-year-old taking a human he’s addicted to in the middle of the forest with no protection where he could maul her in a second. Aw. How sweet.
"So the lion fell in love with the lamb."
Another "Twilight" book line by author Stephenie Meyer that fans were thrilled to hear in the movie comes, once again, right before Bella and Edward’s dalliance in the field. Making light of the fact that Edward wants to eat her, Edward romantically says, "So the lion fell in love with the lamb." Of course, Bella responds with, "What a stupid lamb." And Edward pipes in with, "What a sick, masochistic lion."
There are so many things wrong with this exchange. The first being that Edward is declaring his love for a girl that he barely knows and was downright harassing a week ago, and the second comes from romanticizing the fact that he might kill her at any moment. Before this charming exchange, Edward has a dramatic temper tantrum about how wrong he is for Bella by throwing trees around and running at vamp speeds through the forest to try to scare her. This is during the equally creepy vampire reveal where he makes her say the word "vampire." Seriously, pick a lane, dude.
The angsty vampire likes to tell himself that he does the right thing by Bella, but all he ever does is make both of them miserable by being half in/half out of their relationship the entire time she’s human. He doesn’t want to hurt her, but he can’t stay away. But really, the lion and lamb declaration? It doesn’t work.
"It’s like a human only living on tofu. It keeps you strong, but you’re never fully satisfied."
Edward has absolutely no issue trashing an actual vegetarian lifestyle for someone who claims to be one — albeit one who hunts animals in the forest and drinks their blood. When he explains his no-human blood diet to Bella, he likens the Cullens to the vampire equivalent of vegetarians.
But while Edward might miss the homicidal taste of human blood, that doesn’t mean that vegetarians don’t feel fulfilled in their own life choices. This idea that all vegetarians eat are salads and tofu is trite, and certain plant-based meat substitutes even fool the keenest of carnivores. The smell of meat makes a lot of vegetarians sick once they’ve cut it out from their diet for long enough — and plenty never even liked it in the first place. This notion that vegetarians are missing something or "How could you possibly live without bacon?!" is just as annoying (and more common even) than the complaint that vegetarians try to force their choices on everyone else. Do better, Edward.
Even more interestingly, Bella herself only eats salads and a garden burger in the first film. She never says she’s a vegetarian and doesn’t seem all that put out by Edward’s tofu diss, so she might just be eating healthy. We do see her eat meat in "Breaking Dawn Part 1," but she’s also likely having pregnancy cravings at that point.
"Hello, biceps. You know, anabolic steroids are really bad for you."
Next time you see your platonic best friend in the wild, say, "Hello, biceps." That’s a totally normal and not at all creepy way to greet someone you’re not in a relationship with. When Bella sees Jacob for the first time in "New Moon," he’s close to embracing his wolfy side and turning for the first time. Of course, this means goodbye lanky best friend and hello sexed-up eye candy for all of the hormonal teenagers watching the movies — and Bella, apparently.
Bella herself helps fuel the feud between her boyfriend and her best friend because she says this within earshot of Edward. You can undoubtedly remark on your friend filling out without using a bedroom voice — and Bella isn’t exactly the Queen Of Flirting, so it’s not like she’s like that with everyone. After creepily commenting on his biceps, she does try to lighten the exchange a bit by joking about the woes of steroid use, but still. This exchange is uncomfortable for everyone, including the audience.
"Dating an older woman. Hot."
Emmett may be a typical jock, but this line is a lot, even for him. While Edward will be frozen in time at 17 for the rest of his existence, Bella is busy having an identity crisis over her 18th birthday — a human right of passage that most teenagers are excited about. Never mind the fact that in actual age, Edward is 109, and up until that point, he was dating an underage girl.
The handling of age in this franchise is toxic at best, making it seem like the end of the world that Bella is physically 18 while Edward will stay 17 for another 109 years. The idea that the guy has to be older is an outdated sentiment to begin with, and one that you’d expect Edward to be more concerned with than Bella. They constantly fight over his old-fashioned ideology, after all. But her boyfriend is beyond Boomer age. That’s what happens when you date a guy who’s lived for over a century. But at the end of the day, can we stop making women feel bad about getting older? Especially in a film geared toward teenage girls, they don’t need this voice in the back of their minds at such a young age. Emmett’s comment is clearly meant as a joke, but instead, it’s just creepy and out of place.
"I think you’ll find the vampire-human divorce rate a little lower."
If anyone has any studies on human-vampire divorce rates, that sounds like a fascinating topic for a book. In "Eclipse," Bella and Edward are at an impasse: She wants to hook up with him while she’s still human, and he wants to marry her first. But Bella, being a strong, independent 21st-Century woman, is more chill with the prospect of her tying herself to him irrevocably by joining his undead party than she is about getting married.
And granted, no one should be pressuring anyone into sex or marriage, but as Bella says, marriage is a piece of paper. You can undo a marriage. You can’t undo the transformation into a vampire for a guy you’ve known for about a year. Edward reasonably wants Bella to wait until she’s 21 and has experienced things like college and other milestones she won’t get by throwing her life away as a teenager. Yet, she’s more concerned over going through with a wedding than turning into a vampire.
She cheekily talks about how high the divorce rate is, but wouldn’t that be more fuel the fire to not give your human life away for a guy? Edward quips back that the human-vampire divorce rate is much lower, but really. If you’re worried about divorce, you maybe aren’t ready to become a vampire to spend forever with your boyfriend. If things don’t work out, you’re stuck alone forever, and all of your friends and family are dead. Where can we sign up for this fairytale?
"Go blather to someone else about the joys of becoming a newborn."
Without any context, it might seem like Rosalie is talking about indoctrinating Bella into a creepy cult when she says, "Go blather to someone else about the joys of becoming a newborn." Rosalie and Bella certainly don’t get off to a great start as future sisters-in-law. However, that all hinges around the fact that Rosalie doesn’t want to take humanity away from someone who has the chance to live it — unlike the Cullen children Carlisle turned when they were dying. While the quote sounds like she’s talking about a religious cult, in reality, she just doesn’t want Bella to give up all of the things that life took away from Rosalie.
The line itself is pretty ridiculous and undercuts the severity of the moment, but in reality, Rosalie is the only Cullen to truly consider Bella’s future. Many teenagers makes rash, bad choices when it comes to young love — and they usually live on to regret them when they’ve gained some age, perspective, and a few wrinkles.
But by Bella making a life-altering choice at such a young age, there’s no saying what human milestones she’ll feel cheated from when she fails to age. Given Bella’s future stint as a fiercely protective teen mom, she would feel something’s missing if she never had Renesmee — a scenario no one thought was possible. Bella clearly yearned for motherhood (and other human moments) without even realizing it — because what 18-year-old would? But Rosalie wanted Bella to see that there’s more to life than being a vampire.
"He loves you, Bella."
Speaking of human-vampire conception, Bella’s "Breaking Dawn Part 1" pregnancy is a wild ride from start to finish. Between Edward wanting to "get that thing out" of Bella when she discovers the pregnancy and Jacob’s creepy imprinting on a baby, this bizarre plotline lives up to what you’d expect from a dramatic near-immaculate conception. But the weirdest part of the actual pregnancy? Oh, that would be Edward reading the mind of their unborn fetus. Until this point, Edward is team ‘This baby is evil,’ but then, magically, he somehow hears its thoughts. Yes, he hears the thoughts of an fetus. Edward reveals that, apparently, the baby likes the sound of both Edward and Bella’s voice — and adds, "He loves you, Bella." This is all totally normal behavior.
Now, Renesmee does have the power to share memories with people (or vampires) in the form of visions when she touches their foreheads. However, this scene hinges on Edward telling Bella he can hear the baby’s thoughts — not that he’s picking up on a feeling of love, which would be a bit more palatable. Thinking about this bizarre scene is enough to give anyone a migraine.
"You nicknamed my daughter after the Loch Ness monster?"
This "Breaking Dawn Part 2" quote is definitely a candidate for weirdest phrases in cinematic history. The line itself is bonkers, but honestly, Bella is A Mood in this scene. When she learns that Jacob creepily imprinted on her infant daughter, she loses it — but not before getting the baby out of the room. Typically, a werewolf imprint occurs in much the same way as people think of soulmates or love at first sight.
Jacob declares that there’s nothing sexual about it and that it’s pure love and affection — which is creepiest thing to come out of a series with quite a few sketchy components. Yet beyond the uncomfortable implications that Jacob and Renesmee’s unfertilized egg caused the connection between Bella and Jacob before she and Edward even did the deed, Jacob nicknaming her daughter Nessie was enough for a fight. Seriously, she hadn’t even gotten to hold her daughter. As Bella puts it, Jacob enacted a wolfy claim on her and took away getting to nickname her own daughter. Everything about this plot point is yikes on steroids.
"So, should I start calling you ‘dad?’"
Hello? Child services? Yes, there’s a creepy werewolf making a pass at an immortal toddler. Send help. This should be the end of Jacob Black’s association with Renesmee. How Edward doesn’t kill Jacob immediately at this moment is the biggest mystery of the series. In one of the last scenes, when Renesmee is very clearly still a child, Jacob jokes to Edward, "So, should I start calling you ‘dad?’"
Jacob was adamant before that there was nothing weird going on with his uncomfy werewolf imprint on Renesmee, but then he makes a father-in-law joke while she’s still a child? Granted, Renesmee’s growth is, as Carlisle puts it, unprecedented, and a half-human half-vampire child reaches full growth by seven years old. That means that even when Renesmee looks and acts like an 18-year-old, she’s still a child — making this so much creepier. We don’t get a precise timeline for exactly how old Renesmee is in physical months or years, but she’s likely no more than a few years at most.
Based on Jacob’s poor taste jokes and the fact that Renesmee ages at lightning speeds, it sounds like Jacob is going to be ready to jump her as soon as she reaches physical maturity — at seven years old. This creepy attempt at giving everyone a happy ending has the most disturbing connotations in YA, and it isn’t developed (or explained) nearly well enough to sit right with viewers. And judging by the flash-forward scene we see with Jacob and Renesmee visiting Edward and Bella, their relationship does get romantic. Let’s just hope he waited until she was 18 in physical years and not just accelerated vampire growth years.