I have a friend who says, "There’s no such thing as bad pizza." He’s wrong. I can think of 12 reasons pizza can be awful. But what’s the use in being so negative? Pizza is amazing, and outside of the air conditioner, perhaps the greatest invention of all time. In an effort to make this fair, these toppings are considered as single topping orders. In other words, would you go to a pizza parlor and order a pizza with one of these topping, all by their lonesome? Some of these you might — but some you really shouldn’t.
If your favorite’s on the naughty list, don’t fret! Someone liked The Emoji Movie too, so wear your pizza pride as a badge of honor.
When you think mushroom pizza, you probably think of it as an add-on to pepperoni or onions, but you need to re-think your pizza strategy. This isn’t your father’s mushroom pizza anymore. Varieties of mushrooms — portobello, porcini, and wild — now top pizzas, and they bring a strong, fresh flavor that doesn’t need any accompaniment from the usual dance partners. Be on the lookout for a mushroom pizza, it’ll change your life.
If you like your pizza with no sauce, you can thank the city of New Haven, Connecticut, and specifically Pepe’s. Don’t shy away from it — clams on a pizza work. Traditionally served on "apizza" (which just means a thin crust from New Haven, not New York) the crispy crust and sweet, slightly salty clams work so well with the cheese and the dough.
Sometimes you hear a topping and just say, "Nah." Don’t run from spinach, there’s so much here that’s perfect. Spinach is a rare topping that works on both traditional pizza and a white pizza. If you think spinach is bitter (and it kinda is) the dough and cheese will soften the blow. If there were an award for most underrated topping, spinach would hold the trophy high.
If you think you don’t like artichoke, you don’t know what you’re missing. It’s a potato texture, with a slightly nutty, sweet taste. The creamy texture of an artichoke is made for pizza. If you’re big on the veggie pizza, you need to incorporate artichokes into your pizza rotation.
Best: Sun-dried tomatoes
You might think, "Why would I put tomatoes on a pizza with tomato sauce?" Truth is that all tomatoes work great on a pizza, but the sun-dried tomato just bursts with even more flavor when incorporated with a pizza. As you know, the sun-drying process sucks the moisture out of the tomato, intensifying the flavor. That leftover flavor packs so much sweetness into every bite, you can’t go wrong with sun-dried tomatoes.
Best: Barbecue chicken
There are people that insist it’s not pizza without marinara sauce. There are also people who are wrong. Likely invented in Memphis — although the kids out at Spago probably disagree — the barbecue pizza is now an accepted staple at every mom and pop pizza place around. Regardless of who invented it, chicken on a pizza works, and barbecue sauce makes it even better. Barbecue chicken is the most important addition to pizza since the invention of dough, as it opened the door for many popular "non-traditional" toppings.
"Hi, I’ll take a durian pizza please." Said no one ever. Except that it’s a thing, but regardless, there isn’t a single fruit that works on pizzas — except for the humble pineapple. It got its start on a Hawaiian pizza, but pineapple is now a standalone topping, because cheese, sauce, and the sweet juicy flavor of pineapple are pizza’s PB&J. How no one thought of it sooner is beyond me.
Best: Black olives
A black olive pizza is just fantastic. That salty, earthy flavor melds with the sauce and cheese to make every bite just perfect. Truth be told, any olive will work on a pizza, but a black olive pizza is always a solid go-to.
What can’t bacon do? It works on burgers, chicken, even more bacon! You can make it into a taco shell (although I understand that’s difficult), and of course, it loves pizza. If you want to get broad, you can include Canadian bacon here too, because in my book, all bacon is bacon, and the salted magic food loves to sit atop a pizza. Bacon loves pizza, and we all love bacon, so let’s all have a bacon pizza.
It’s been around so long it’s often overlooked, but a sausage pizza is fantastic. As time evolves, different types of sausage are available in most locales, but a good, ole fashioned sausage pizza is still the tops. You can make the case that pizza as we know it today (sort of at least) originally contained sausage as the meat. It’s still a classic, and often overlooked because as a topping it’s older than dirt.
There are many things you can pluck directly from your garden and drop onto a plate, but the peppery, spicy, and slightly minty flavor of basil is tops. Basil and tomato go together almost too well, and marrying them onto a pizza is the most incredible thing ever. You don’t need anything else — just a pizza with basil.
It only makes sense that pepperoni, an Italian-American invention (more or less), is the best topping for a dish that became popular around the world because of the good old U.S.A. The pepperoni pizza is the staple, it’s the safety school of "I’m out of town and I want pizza." It’s hard to mess it up — the cured meat goes well with high heat, and provides a salty, crunchy, and flavorful topping. Even the drippings incorporate onto the pizza to make the entire dish delectable. Just because you knew it was coming it doesn’t make it wrong. Pepperoni pizza is fantastic.
There’s two ways to have this — Chicken of the Sea style — which is a tuna melt on a pizza, or sashimi, which is sushi on dough. Neither of those are pizza. They’re just not. Nothing about this works.
Worst: Dill pizza
Man, that’s breakfast! The only pizza allowed for breakfast is cold. But seriously, the addition of eggs to pretty much everything is getting a bit overboard. Eating a hamburger with an egg is a mess, eggs and fries is a thing. At some point, we need to draw a line in the sand, and that line is pizza.
Hahaha. No. That doesn’t even look remotely correct. Avocado is a fine topping for many a dish: Turkey, nachos, and even eggs. So let’s just keep the eggs and avocado off the pizza and put them together for some delicious huevos rancheros, deal?
A traditional way to eat prosciutto is with melon, which cuts some of the overwhelming saltiness. There’s nothing on a pizza that cuts into that salt flavor, so it’s basically a salt-shaker pizza. It’s simply too much.
If you’re an east coast Italian, or watched The Sopranos, you know it better as gababool. I’m not going to explain to you how that happened in great detail, but it happened. No matter how you say it, the cured ham and pizza don’t really work together — it’s a bit too fatty for pizza.
Broccoli goes with cheese. Broccoli goes with dough. Broccoli goes with red sauce. Put them all together, and it doesn’t work at all. There are people who swear by this, and are probably pretty angry right now. Sometimes you have to accept that just because you like a food it doesn’t mean you can "pizza it."
Seriously? Corn goes with exactly zero things that make a pizza a pizza (dough, cheese, sauce), yet somehow putting corn on a pizza became a thing? This is just a bad idea. Corn barely belongs on a cob, much less as a topping.
If you haven’t had venison before, it’s the reason that certain foods are called "gamey." It’s a musky, pungent flavor that works best when intertwined into other foods; such as a sausage or a hamburger with a fatty binder to cut that flavor. There are ways to get around the gamey taste, like marinating the meat in something, but at that point you’re only eating it for the name. Szechuan venison, kangaroo, and chicken all taste like the same thing; Szechuan. You can eat all the deer you want, but keep it off the pizza.
Worst: No cheese
That’s a big breadstick with a salad on it. There’s being creative when it comes to pizza, and then there’s that. If you have a lactose issue or don’t like cheese, you’re not eating pizza. There are ways to eat a pizza without sauce, but pizza without cheese isn’t a pizza.
Carrots belong in cakes, diamonds, or Bugs Bunny cartoons. Pizza is not a proper resting place for a carrot. This goes back to the obvious — what in a pizza goes with carrots? If there was a word for "beyond nothing" it would be that. Carrots don’t even look right on a pizza; that looks like a homemade sundial.
There’s no way anyone eats that. Maybe as a way to get your kid to eat their vegetables, but come on… There’s this desire to "one up" with toppings, and when it came to peas, the one-uppers officially jumped the shark. Peas belong on the side of the dish, or hidden in a pot pie where they taste like "not peas" — not predominantly featured on a pizza.