Most gamers have impressive libraries full of huge hits, but hidden among those games just might be a few embarrassing titles. They can’t all be critical successes like The Last of Us and innovative experiences like Portal, right? In fact, quite a few games would almost force your friends to roast you for owning them. Buckle up and let the cringe begin.
So. You attempt to romance birds in the dating sim, Hatoful Boyfriend. BIRDS. It’s shameful enough that you’re playing a dating sim, but the embarrassment level gets further raised because you’re trying to date actual, feathered birds. Even if you buy and play it as a gag, you’re still going to be on the receiving end of plenty of bird-themed jokes if your friends catch you playing this fowl game. And yes, that was an example of one of the terrible puns you might hear while playing this embarrassment.
Mystic Messenger is a mobile game that kind of plays with the conceit that it’s a real messaging app. In this game, you’ll be able to flirt with pretty anime boys through the app while engaging in a story filled with mystery and romance. So, just from that description, we really don’t have to go further and tell you why this game might cause others to poke fun at you. We’re sure you’ll just be told to get Tinder or some other dating app that lets you interact with real boys. But hey, we won’t judge you if the boys in Mystic Messenger are real to you.
What’s the weirdest thing you’ve done in real life? Was it sensually eat a popsicle? Probably, but one man got even weirder than you: he made an entire video game about the activity.
Succulent was apparently inspired by its creator watching a weird scene of a guy putting food in his mouth. So that answers why the game was made, but not the why? The entire video game features a scantily clad man, his mouth open, as you feed him a popsicle. In the background, two dudes (clones of him, maybe?) dance while he eats the popsicle. As the game goes on, the popsicle gets smaller and the game starts tripping out, with even weirder music and even weirder visuals. Was the popsicle laced with LSD?
Worse yet, once you feed him the popsicle … the game loops all over again and begins anew. This is the disturbing popsicle treat that doesn’t end. Yes it goes on and on, my friend.
Kan Colle, or Kantai Collection, is one of the weirdest video games ever made. Let’s think back to history: what would be the most interesting time to make a video game about? Well, the answer is obvious — World War II. But in Kan Colle, you play on the side of the Axis … as warships … represented as young anime girls. We’ll give you a few seconds to re-read that last part of the sentence over. Don’t worry if your head explodes — it’s normal.
Yep — in Kan Colle, a tactical game, you play as the warships that were used by the Japanese in World War II, as represented by cute anime girls who fight each other while wearing bits of the boats on their bodies.. Can you imagine attempting to explain this to someone? "Oh, yeah, I’m playing as a moaning fifteen-year-old girl whose skirt is so short you can always see up it. But don’t worry, she’s actually a warship from WWII … fighting for the side behind Pearl Harbor. You … see the giant gun sticking out of her butt, right?"
Was this game designed specifically to shame its players into submission? All we know is that it’s the most Japanese game imaginable. Oh, and it’s so popular, it even has an anime adaptation because playing girls-as-ships isn’t enough to make Grandma look down on you — now you gotta watch them too!
Imagine Babyz 3D
The Imagine Babyz franchise has been going strong for years now, with Ubisoft pumping out a title every now and then for fans to enjoy. With Imagine Babyz 3D, you can witness all of the childcare fun in stereoscopic 3D. You play a babysitter who takes care of many rugrats, watching them grow up in eye-popping 3D. There’s even a facial recognition feature that sort of creeps us out, but we suppose it’s a cool way to play "peek-a-boo" with the little ankle-biters.
We apologize if it’s your dream to travel around the world and create a babysitting business empire, but most folk won’t be able to bite their tongues if they see you playing this game. It’ll probably be especially worse if they see you playing peek-a-boo with your 3DS.
For a while, there was a big trend of games that were little more than corporate advertisements. We’re not talking about having some small product placement in the background — these games were based entirely around product placement. The thing our corporate overlords wanted you to buy became the meat of the game. Of all of these games, perhaps the most noteworthy, and weirdest, is Pepsiman.
The entire game is as simple as can be. You, as Pepsiman — a man whose only super-power is running really fast and belching super-loud (presumably) — have to go around, delivering Pepsi to thirsty people. Your character runs straight forward, without stopping, and you guide him around all of the obstacles as he runs, ever onwards, to the thirsty people. The game apparently requires some dedication and precision, which is just the weirdest sentence to write about a video game where you’re literally just a human representation of the Pepsi corporation.
All in all, the biggest tragedy about this game is that Pepsiman doesn’t fight his arch-nemesis, Captain Coke, at the end. It’d still be a ridiculous, shameful, soulless game even if he did, but at least then it might make some competitive sense.
Style Savvy: Fashion Forward
Maybe you have your sights set on the fashion world instead? Welcome to Style Savvy: Fashion Forward, where you can run a boutique, give people makeovers, design clothes, and just so much more. We’re pretty sure your experiences won’t be anything as wild or as crazy as Derek Zoolander’s, but we’re also sure that you’ll get a lot of strange looks when you play this in public.
The game is pretty much a glorified dress-up game, but we won’t fault you if that’s what you’re into. If you want to make your runway dreams come true, and can fashion enough real-life armor to not let the laughter of others get to you, then Style Savvy: Fashion Forward is the game for you.
It’s admittedly pretty difficult to get a good video game out of the Bible — everyone already knows the big plot twist. But don’t worry: there are plenty of bad Bible games, like Bible Adventures for the NES.
Make no mistake, you will get some weird looks if you bust out Bible Adventures. It’s three games in one, all based on famous Bible stories: Noah’s Ark, Baby Moses, and David and Goliath. They’re all Mario 2-esque sidescrollers where you pick up objects and take them places. Noah brings animals to the Ark, Miriam guides Baby Moses along the Nile, and David brings sheep to a safe herding area before actually letting you do video game stuff, like shoot rocks at Philistines and fight Goliath. (The big dude is one of the easiest bosses ever, but at least you get to throw several stones at him instead of just the one David used in the Bible.) All three games share one bit of music: amateur noodling on a synth bass that gets beyond boring after about the first riff.
And what would a Bible game be without the Bible? There are various power-ups scattered throughout the game, each one containing a Bible verse that you get to read. What fun! Even your church buddies would rightly mock you for not playing Mario.
This is one of the strangest games we’ve ever seen, and we’re a little sad that more people haven’t experienced it. This is Power Shovel, a PlayStation game released in the early Aughts that had you operating a large machine, called a power shovel, to perform tasks. These tasks could range from traversing mazes to using the shovel to swing at giant beach balls and … cook delicious food.
It makes absolutely no sense, but it’s kind of glorious. As cool as it is, you can bet that you’ll get weird looks from anyone who sees you playing it. Hell, you’ll be giving the screen the same look as you use the shovel to ladle curry onto beds of rice.
If you lived through the Dreamcast era, then you’re probably aware of the pet simulator called Seaman. This game let you speak to an amphibious creature with the face of a man, who would often reply with strange trivia, or insult you by calling you a "skin puppet." The Seamen are kind of grotesque, so any onlookers would probably gag at the sight of your virtual pet. Actually, you might.
What might be the most embarrassing part about playing Seaman is that it’s kind of boring, and even makes fun of you for playing multiple sessions in a day. So, if you have no one else to make fun of you for playing it, at least you’ve got the game to ridicule you.
Dead or Alive Xtreme 2
Do you want your friends to make fun of you and call you a pervert for the rest of your life? Then pick up a copy of Dead or Alive Xtreme 2! In this game, you play as the ladies from the Dead or Alive fighting game series, seemingly on vacation and taking a break from all of the bloodshed. Instead of duking it out in the ring, the girls bounce around a beach resort playing all kinds of games in skimpy bikinis. This is the series that perfected "boob physics," so the beach volleyball games are best played without an audience. And don’t get us started on the fact that you can play dress-up with all of the girls. Yeesh.
Any of the Just Dance games
The Just Dance games are fine for parties, but if you’ve ever watched anyone playing it, you know that it’s also perfect for making embarrassing YouTube videos. Even if you’re having fun busting a move, chances are high that you’re going to look pretty lame waving around a WiiMote and trying to keep up with the more talented dancers on the screen. If you’re over the age of 21, the only real excuse you have for playing a game like this is that you like to drink alone.
In Lollipop Chainsaw, teen cheerleader Juliet Starling (voiced by the amazing Tara Strong), must face undead hordes while armed with a chainsaw. Because it’s a collaboration between famed game designer Suda51 and filmmaker James Gunn, you can bet that Lollipop Chainsaw is full of over-the-top weirdness and violence. While most of that can be glossed over, what can’t be ignored is the bouncy, kill-happy cheerleader you control. It’s no surprise that Juliet’s sexuality plays a big part in this game, especially since you can dress her up in a number of "sexy" alternate outfits, and can even win an achievement trophy for panning the camera to look up her skirt. Good luck explaining that particular achievement to your friends, or worse, your parents.
Onechanbara Z2: Chaos
Onechanbara Z2: Chaos is a hack-and-slash game in which two pairs of rival, zombie-killing sisters have to put their differences aside in order to rid the world of, well, zombies. The graphics engine and gameplay mechanics aren’t the best, but at least you get to fill your screen with butt-kicking women that have fetish-friendly character designs. And while you might enjoy spilling gallons and gallons of zombie blood, just make sure no one sees you controlling girls in Japanese schoolgirl uniforms while doing it because, unlike the zombies, the jokes will never die.
If 1994’s Shaq-Fu were a regular fighting game, playing it wouldn’t raise too many eyebrows. It’s not a good fighter, but it’d just be some generic waste of time. However, since the hero of the game is Shaquille O’Neal, the Icy Hot guy who used to dabble in basketball, Shaq-Fu goes from forgettable to just plain ridiculous.
Shaq isn’t fighting fellow basketball players, but rather aliens from a world called Second World. Yep! Shaq fights demons, cat women, and witches, with no armor but his basketball shorts and no weapons but his fists and feet.
Oh, and there’s a story, because you don’t just send a goofy jock into an evil dimension without a reason. Apparently, a mummy named Sett Ra has kidnapped a boy named Nezu, and an old man in a dojo believes Shaq is the only one who can save him. That’s because Shaq is the "one from the stars" and "the magic one." Get it? He’s an All-Star who plays for the Magic, so it’s all one big wacky misunderstanding. Shaq volunteers anyway, so that’s why he’s battling mummies and lizard zombies instead of Hakeem Olajuwon. As for why you’re playing his game, you’ll have to think of a reason all by yourself.
The Skylanders series is aimed at younger gamers who want to build up a collection of fun, colorful figurines that can be brought to life in the video game world. If you, as a non-child, own this game, chances are good that you’ll be subjected to a lot of ridicule, and probably lose the respect of your peers. But more power to you if you choose to fill your shelves with figurines of dragons, fairies, and anthropomorphic birds, rather than aged whisky or other things that are actually cool.
Barney’s Hide and Seek Game
Unless you’re 4 years old, playing a Barney video game will do nothing but invite ridicule. That’s not just because you’re playing a game literally meant for toddlers — it’s because you’re playing a very stupid game meant for toddlers.
As you might expect, Barney’s Hide and Seek Game is about hide-and-seek. As Barney, you find five friends and five presents, and then you’ve beaten the stage. Do that a handful of times, and you’ve won the game. Now, this is a children’s game. It’s not surprising that there’s no conflict at all, that Barney can’t get hurt or die, or that he stops and reminds you to "wait until it’s safe" if you try to walk him off a cliff. It’s for kids. But if finding curiously large-headed children is too tough for you, just put the controller down and Barney will walk to the end of the level. Yes, the game plays itself, rendering the whole thing completely pointless, even for an actual toddler.
If you find yourself playing this game for some reason, you’ve got a choice to make. You can either keep playing and enjoy plenty of quality alone time with your best dinosaur friend, or you can join your human friends and go do something else.
In 2001, pro wrestling was more popular than ever, so naturally video games got in on the trend. Take a game like The Simpsons Wrestling, which is exactly what it sounds like: wrestling matches starring your favorite characters from The Simpsons (and Bumblebee Man). The premise alone is silly enough, but the stupidity of the game doesn’t help its case for existence at all.
It’s basically a mindless button masher, where you punch and kick your opponent until they’re ready to be pinned. Each character has special attacks that fit their character — Flanders prays and hits you with lightning, Barney throws beer glasses at you, Krusty uses clown gadgets, etc. — but it’s all tainted by terrible graphics, ridiculous controls, and some characters shouting the same annoying soundbites over and over again, like Flanders fighting and repeatedly shouting "hidey ho." What bliss.
This game was sad enough when it was released, but it’s especially dated today. Wrestling games are so much more realistic and engrossing nowadays. Some of them even have plots. Why anyone would have Moe fling flaming drinks at Lisa in a cartoonishly oversized ring when they have WWE 2K and The Simpsons Game at their disposal is a mystery to all.
Mary-Kate & Ashley: Magical Mystery Mall
In today’s world, where men and women play the same video games and the idea of "marketing to girls" grows more prehistoric by the day, just about any game starring Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen is going to look bad. Magical Mystery Mall, however, might just be the stupidest.
As you might expect, this game takes place in a magical mall. The Olsens buy a magical necklace that freezes the entire mall and traps them in it forever unless they can find the gems that will reverse the curse. They do that by playing mini-games like serving pizza, getting dressed up for a photoshoot, filming a music video, and stalking cute boys. Do that, and you’re free!
Magical Mystery Mall is pure "this is for girls," right down to the intro where the kiosk witch who sold you the cursed bracelet cackles that, without the gems, the twins will be "stuck in the mall forever, with no money to buy a thing." The music video you film is, of course, for a Disney Channel-esque pop-n-lock fest. And rather than beat the snot out of the lady who knowingly sold you cursed jewelry, you actually apologize for messing up her business. Forget Magical Mystery Mall — fire up "Magical Mystery Tour" instead and reclaim your dignity.