To exist on Earth is to discover why we’re here in the first place. Despite living in a world beyond our control, our curiosity deals with a cavalcade of unanswered questions awaiting us from the moment of sentience. Queries that cut so deeply to the core of our purpose that we demand an answer, even if it rests somewhere among the stars.
Then there are queries that aren’t so serious, such as "What Dunkin’ Donuts would I be, if I could be a Dunkin’ Donuts?" And the stars have an answer for that, too. By telling us who we are based on planetary positioning at our time of birth, astrology attempts to make sense of all donut mysteries — no matter how deep or custard-filled.
Part of figuring out where you land in this world is figuring out who you are, and it’s best to drill that down to every facet. Even if it includes allowing the zodiac to open the doors to your donut destiny.
Aquarius: Chocolate Coconut
For those born between January 21 and February 18, you’re an Aquarius, and consider yourself both deep-thinking and spontaneous. Per Astrology.com, Aquarius stands apart from the zodiac pack, and therefore Aquarians feel a deep compulsion toward uniqueness. This compulsion may also stem from the fact that Aquarius’ time in the sun is the shortest and typically results in the fewest people born under any zodiac sign.
Born into a rare brood, Aquarians exhibit a duality of scarcity and spontaneity, making it clear that people of their group refuse all calls and causes to boredom. A plain donut will not do for those whose time in the sun is so limited.
As such, an Aquarius can only rely on the Chocolate Coconut Dunkin’ donut; both glazed and sprinkled, it’s the only treat that’s as rich, rare, and eccentric as an Aquarius. Unless of course, they are allergic to coconut.
Pisces: Strawberry Frosted
A sign designated for those born between February 19 and March 20, the Pisces edge emerges through their compassion, intuition, and selflessness (via Astrology.com). But like all human beings, so too, is Pisces fallible; on one hand, they can be romantic, but on the other, they can be reckless as they tend to pursue escapes from reality.
For the tender-hearted but often boundary-defying Pisces, few foods escape reality with more romantic recklessness than the Strawberry Frosted Dunkin’ donut. Matching hues with Valentine’s Day and with enough sugar to foment tooth decay, the Strawberry Frosted straddles the line between sweetness and danger, just like a Pisces.
Atop those busted boundaries, the Strawberry Frosted even adds a deluge of sprinkles, coating the donut with sugary cylinders in case the icing wasn’t enough. Pulling off a job fit for a Pisces, with so much love to go around, the Strawberry Frosted’s sheer excess may seem volatile.
Aries: French Cruller
Being the first sign of the zodiac, Aries is accustomed to being first when it comes to just about everything, per Astrology.com. Seen as competitive, but also organized, those who fly the Aries sign can be both proud and demanding.
Having a birthday between March 21 and April 19, Aries is also the first zodiac sign of the northern hemisphere’s spring season, a time of renewal and bloom that inspires Aries into action.
Confined to a donut shop, Aries is best represented by the French Cruller — a donut that combines both skill and organization with a subtle, no-frills intensity. The quiet spirals of the cruller speak loudly to an Aries. Making a connection to the spring-born through a design nearly as efficient as a jet engine, it’s easy to see how the tight spirals of this pastry appeal to an Aries or to anyone with a type-A personality.
Taurus: Glazed Donut
The astrological attributes of a Taurus read like an ad for a Dodge Ram: durable, reliable, dependable. As the first sign of the Earth element, it’s no mystery why Tauruses are seen as grounded (via Astrology.com).
If you’ve entered life’s journey between the dates April 20 and May 20, then you walk through life as a Taurus, and you hold your gait steadily. Whether you’ve been the lead on a group project or a calming presence in times of chaos, you’re the go-to for people when times get turbulent. You are the eye within the storm, thriving, as everyone around you is seemingly flailing.
As a paragon of stability, you need a donut that reflects that. A buttoned-up pastry that does the job without the drama. That’s why you’re a Glazed Dunkin’ donut, Taurus — primed to stand and deliver and worthy of the glazed shield that grants you protection from whatever storms step into your path.
Gemini: Sour Cream Donut
Typically bookish and curious, a Gemini has interests that are often tough to confine. Born between May 21 and June 20, Geminis are the last zodiac sign of spring and the first of the Air element. Being on both the trailing and leading edge in these departments tends to bestow Geminis with a warring psychological dichotomy. In one instance, a Gemini may come across as bubbly and talkative but, in an instant, can quickly turn irritable and restless, according to Astrology.com.
Given these battling facets, it’s clear Geminis are Sour Cream Dunkin’ donuts. Like sour cream, Geminis can be both fun and a little acidic. Sour cream on a taco may be more favorable, but sour cream in a donut is where a Gemini’s curiosity finally gets quenched. Satisfaction may not be guaranteed, since this is a donut comprising of sour cream, but it will always meet the expressive and expansive needs of a Gemini.
Cancer: Apple and Spice
Cancer gets through life on their intuition while remaining sentimental about their past and loyal to their friends and families, per Astrology.com. Born between June 21 and July 22, Cancers are ruled by the moon and get along best with Capricorn and Taurus. Cancers certainly embrace their roles of nurturer and host to people they love.
With a strong penchant for nostalgia, it’s clear any Cancer would lean toward an Apple and Spice Dunkin’ donut. It’s the only donut of the original Dunkin’ flavors that can recapture that apple-pie ambiance of those cozy nights shared with friends and family.
Apple and spice and everything nice are exactly what a Cancer looks for in donuts. And no pastry epitomizes the warmth of hearts and the fullness of moons better than the Apple and Spice: a treat stuffed with apple filling that relays the feelings of home and hearth.
Leo: Double Chocolate
Typically considered brave and carrying a forceful personality, the zodiac sign Leo is represented by a lion that typifies this ferocity (via Astrology-Zodiac-Signs.com). Born between July 23 and August 22, Leos gravitate toward leadership roles where credit and gratification often intertwine, according to Astrology.com.
Due to a pound of stubbornness and an ounce of hubris, you may often find Leos snagging the spotlight wherever they roam. Just as the lioness views the Savanna as her kingdom, Leos will attempt to dominate the atmosphere in almost any environment.
If a Leo happens to head into your local Dunkin’ Donuts, expect them to order the Double Chocolate. For someone with the outsized expectations of a Leo, a single layer of chocolate is an insult and not worthy of an order. Doubling-down on chocolate, however, speaks to the dominant nature of a Leo, as the forceful statement of piling on a second layer takes this donut to the next level, at least to a Leo’s eyes.
Virgo: Old Fashioned
In the age of social media and instant gratification, it may be tough to spot the humble and modest living among us. They may not be "off the grid" completely but still remain tough to track since they’re not always posting on the ‘Gram.
Such is the modern sentiment the galaxy confers to Virgos: humble, hard-working, and at times, shy. According to Astrology.com, Virgos can tilt deep into an old-school work ethic to the point where their workaholic nature becomes one of their greatest weaknesses.
But for many Virgos, their work ethic is a measure of who they are, and doing things modestly by focusing on the process can serve as its own reward. That’s why a Virgo typically aligns with the Old Fashioned Dunkin’ donut: a donut that has withstood the donut-making process since its inception, continuing to thrive without the superficial frills and glamor.
Libra: Jelly Donut
According to Astrology-Zodiac-Signs.com, Libras come stocked with an array of remarkable strengths. Considered cooperative, gracious, and fair-minded, it’s a wonder Libras have not become the world’s arbiter. Dig deeper into the zodiac sign, though, and you’ll see it’s because Libras are also considered indecisive and typically seek to avoid confrontation.
With birthdays spanning from September 23 to October 22, autumn-born Libras are seen as peaceful contributors at the table of society. But with such a strong penchant for avoiding conflict, sometimes a Libra decides to take the conflict on all by themselves, even if it has nothing to do with them. The perceived anxiety rising in the air during any amount of strife is enough for a Libra to choke on.
That’s why a Libra’s diplomatic overdrive leads them directly to the jelly-filled Dunkin’ donut. Understanding the chaos beneath the surface, a Libra would rather jump on that jelly grenade and stain their entire wardrobe than see that fate befall anyone else.
Scorpio: Vanilla Frosted
For those born between October 23 and November 21, your zodiac sign is one of red and rusty colors. These colors speak to the pools of passion that run deep in your typical Scorpio. According to Astrology-Zodiac-Signs.com, the fervent Scorpio can be counted on as resourceful and dependable but can also display shades of envy.
As they are not a fan of superficiality but are ardent about flavor, Scorpios prefer the Vanilla Frosted Dunkin’ donut. Although off-hue from the crimson colors of the Scorpio sigil, the saccharine nature of vanilla frosting usurps any desire for something sweeter. Meeting the Scorpio toe-to-toe with sugary intensity, the fully loaded Vanilla Frosted from Dunkin’ Donuts may even draw envy from Scorpio’s peers; but hopefully not too much envy, since that could engage the ire of the Scorpio and unleash their inner warrior — one of the most feared combatants of the zodiac (via Astrology.com).
Sagittarius: Boston Kreme
The most difficult of the astrological signs to spell, Sagittarius is idealistic (via Astrology.com). Born between November 22 and December 21, a Sagittarius tends to aim for hyperbolic goals but often lacks the patience to see them through. Their penchant for impatience isn’t all bad, as it can be seen as a sense of urgency. A Sagittarius finds the world interesting, and staying in one place quickly bores them.
With a knack for traveling across concepts and continents, only the custard-infused Boston Kreme can satisfy a Sagittarius. It’s a donut that offers the freedom of multiple flavors without being tied down to any one convention. Stuffed, frosted, and fried, the Boston Kreme donut resonates with the Sagittarius at an intuitive level. A donut that has gone through many stages to epitomize tastes not typically combined, the Boston Kreme represents the Sagittarius wanderlust for adventure better than any other donut on the Dunkin’ roster.
The zodiac considers Capricorns the last of the pragmatic signs as it’s the last zodiac sign of the Earth element. Born between December 21 and January 20, Capricorns are seen as masters of self-control and leadership, but according to Astrology-Zodiac-Signs.com, they can also be seen as condescending.
The dichotomy between managing and meddling is a battle Capricorns fight every day; sometimes their guidance may become too overbearing. But heavy is the head that wears the crown, and with great discipline comes great responsibility. That’s why Capricorns are stuck with the Coconut Dunkin’ donut, as it’s the only donut that can test the rigors of their discipline. Attempting to eat across a thick pile of coconut shavings is not an easy task that’s accomplished cleanly. But it’s a task a Capricorn was born for, possessing the innate stewardship required to put away the donut, crumbs and all, without a single sign of a displaced coconut shaving.