M3GAN

After months of hype and memes, "M3GAN" has officially danced and slashed her way into theaters. Despite her debut being given a PG-13 rating, the film shows just how brutal of a killer this advanced A.I. doll can be. Seriously, you need to see what she does to a school bully in this film. It’s pretty intense!

Of course, "M3GAN" is far from the only killer doll that has graced the silver screen over the years. She isn’t even the first to be equipped with terrifyingly sentient artificial intelligence. While I watched her bombastic debut in the theater, I couldn’t help but wonder how she would stack up against the plethora of other deadly dolls in horror. After careful consideration and some surprisingly difficult decision-making (sorry, "Annabelle" fans), I’ve created a series of hypothetical opponents our beloved M3GAN could be the best suited to face in a fight to the death. Some of them wouldn’t stand a chance against her might, while others could actually hold their own. The question now is simple — which fate could your favorite killer doll face in a battle against M3GAN?

Talky Tina – The Twilight Zone

The Twilight Zone

It probably isn’t a stretch to call Talky Tina the first mainstream killer doll. Debuting in 1963 on the "Twilight Zone" episode "Living Doll," the mystery surrounding whether she truly was conscious hung over the story until its final moments. We never get to see the doll move around on her own accord, but the last-minute reveal that she truly was alive the whole time is still pretty well-constructed. All of the killer dolls owe their existence to Talky Tina. M3GAN may be the moment, but Tina is the grandmother of them all.

Unfortunately, Talky Tina is, well, all talk and no action. This was likely due to the fact that "The Twilight Zone" was airing on broadcast television in the early 1960s, but the worst she could do is lay herself on the ground for someone to trip over. It’s no contest whether M3GAN could beat her in a fight or not — Talky Tina would absolutely get the cord ripped out of her if she crossed paths with the killer A.I.

Likelihood of M3GAN winning: HIGH

The Hartwickes’ collection – Dolls

Dolls

Predating a specific famous franchise on this list by one year, Stuart Gordon‘s "Dolls" arguably helped bring the killer doll trope into the public consciousness. These titular toys, in particular, are interesting in the sense that they don’t really exist without their makers, toymakers Gabriel and Hilary Hartwicke (Guy Rolfe and Hilary Mason). Although they contain the "living" souls of criminals and other naughty people, they do not act on their own free will — rather, they are commanded to become alive when the Hartwickes want them to be.

This technicality is why M3GAN has a pretty decent chance of defeating these pint-sized killers. She’ll probably be able to take out the Hartwickes fairly quickly, and even if they use their doll army against her, they’re probably too fragile compared to her freakishly brute strength. Once the Hartwickes are disposed of, though, their dolls become pretty useless.

Likelihood of M3GAN winning: MEDIUM TO HIGH

Blade – Puppet Master

Puppet Master

When you think of the "Puppet Master" franchise, there’s no way you don’t think about Blade. By far the most recognizable of Andre Toulon’s infamous creations, he may have proven himself to be a formidable force throughout the franchise’s 15 (15!!) entries. Not only were his hands replaced with sharp weaponry, but he’s also pretty damn smart when it comes to planning out his attacks. It just so happens, unfortunately, that this particular doll is possessed by a cold-blooded Nazi.

And if M3GAN is as advanced and knowledgeable as she says she is, she’ll know that Nazis deserve some pretty brutal treatment. Thankfully for her, Blade’s stature makes him the perfect easy target. Sure, he might be pretty damn smart and sneaky when killing humans, but M3GAN is no human. Even with his skill, she’ll always be two steps in front of him, making for a swift and merciless dispatch.

Likelihood of M3GAN winning: HIGH

Dolly Dearest – Dolly Dearest

Dolly Dearest

Some killer dolls are possessed by evil spirits, but few of them actually extend their influence onto their owners. That’s not the case with the vengeful spirit of Sanzia, which has taken up residence in a doll named Dolly Dearest. The doll by itself is pretty standard for killer doll movies, but the potent supernatural element and ability to corrupt minds are what make it so memorable.

Perhaps that is why, out of all the spirit-possessed dolls on this list, Dolly Dearest stands the best chance against M3GAN. It’s not clear whether Sanzia is able to control technology, but it’s fair to assume its influence could cause a fair amount of damage. At the same time, however, Dolly Dearest itself isn’t exactly the most agile of assailants, so she could be able to overpower the porcelain doll just on strength. Unfortunately, she’s still got that whole devil child possession thing to overcome, and that might be too much for her to handle.

Likelihood of M3GAN winning: LOW

Baby Oopsy Daisy – Demonic Toys

Demonic Toys

Baby Oopsy Daisy is usually considered a clone of a particular doll we’ll discuss towards the end of this investigation, and if I’m being honest, I can kind of see why. As part of Full Moon’s gaggle of "Demonic Toys," this baby doll is foul-mouthed and has murder on the brain. After all, he’s got to serve his master, The Kid, in his quest for … world domination, I think? He’s got the whole antichrist thing going, but he’s not actually that clear on what he wants. Well, anyways, the point is that Baby Oopsy Daisy has become a favorite villain among Full Moon fans.

Unfortunately, he also kind of sucks. If his main purpose is to kill, he does a pretty terrible job at it, which is why M3GAN would have no problem disposing of him. If I’m being realistic, she can probably get him to shut up in one swift punch, shove, or stab. Honestly? Good for her. That baby is annoying.

Likelihood of M3GAN winning: HIGH

Buddi – Child’s Play (2019)

Child's Play

If you saw this entry on the list, you probably know how I’m capping off this investigation. However, let’s focus on Buddi for the moment. While he might not be as fondly remembered as his original counterpart, we can’t deny that this doll can do some serious damage. He’s able to hack into pretty much anything, including vehicles and other dangerous equipment, and can even set off an entire army of robotic toys to kill civilians.

No matter your opinions on the 2019 "Child’s Play," you can’t deny that he’d be a formidable foe against M3GAN. The two of them essentially have the same abilities, which could prove both beneficial and problematic if they were to ever cross paths. If there was one thing that M3GAN has that Buddi doesn’t, however, it’s better mobility. Her ability to move around her arms and legs in a human-like way will give her an advantage in hand-to-hand combat, but Buddi’s equivalence in technological prowess might make this a difficult fight to judge.

Likelihood of M3GAN winning: MEDIUM

Young-hee – Squid Game

Squid Game

Okay, look. I know what you’re thinking — is Young-hee even technically a doll? After all, she towers over every player on the show and doesn’t exactly move around as other killer dolls do. Believe me, I’ve debated on whether or not to include her. Based on her porcelain-like appearance and overall design, I believe that yes, she should be considered a doll in this investigation.

And if I’m being honest, her inclusion in this piece helps make the odds fairer. M3GAN is a very smart and powerful doll, but she can’t be invincible. She can’t let the relative ease of this investigation get to her, so she needs an opponent that has a strong chance of taking her down. Young-hee’s precise recording and aiming technology could strike M3GAN down before the smaller doll has the opportunity to fight. We saw that Young-hee’s controls were able to shoot players at just the right place on their heads for an instant kill, so who’s to say they can’t do the same for M3GAN’s circuits?

Likelihood of M3GAN winning: LOW

Chucky – Child’s Play franchise

Chucky

Yes, I have been teasing this for the entire investigation, but we’ve finally arrived at the doll you’ve probably all been waiting for. Chucky really needs no introduction — after all, we all know the sort of demented things he’s capable of in his doll form. Throughout the three decades we’ve followed that little rascal, he always figures out a way to surprise us.

It really is no surprise, then, that he’d be the most formidable foe against our new favorite A.I. doll. Their beef has already been well-documented online, so if a real fight between these two were to be had, it would probably be the most anticipated out of all of these in this investigation. It would be a true battle of the generations — old school versus new school — but who would actually win between them? That’s difficult to predict, as both Chucky and M3GAN can be brutal, skilled, and smart killers.

All of this is to say that, in order for us to truly know who would win, Universal and Blumhouse need to make a crossover film. Come on, they could have their own "Freddy vs. Jason," wise-cracking and all! Jason Blum, if you’re reading this, hit me up if you want to hear my ideas for a Chucky vs. M3GAN smackdown. I’m not giving them away for free here!

Likelihood of M3GAN winning: INCONCLUSIVE